I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
