Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
