We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
