I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
