oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
