dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
