We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just pee around me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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