Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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