mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
