worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
