So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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