i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
