never play flip cup with pint glasses
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
