god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
