I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
