Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
