I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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