low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
