I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
