yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
sex in a hospital.. check
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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