I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have post one night stand depression
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