I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
