You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
