This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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