Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
