Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
