he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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