I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
