You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm always down for nudity.
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