Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
