im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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