What did we do last night that was yellow?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
