Where is the hickey?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
