Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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