I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
