I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
