Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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