Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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