So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
