Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
