it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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