First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
