i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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