the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She needs sedatives and a leash
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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