I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Send help, water and tortillas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
