Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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