so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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