fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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