I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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