I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
