just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
