so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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