I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
